Supporting a Loved One with Cancer During the Holidays
Each year, the holidays give us a chance to check in and reconnect with our loved ones. That time can feel especially precious when a family member or close friend is dealing with a cancer diagnosis. If you're trying to support a loved one with cancer, it's ok to feel unsure or anxious about what you can or should do to help.
As chaplain at Columbia University Irving Medical Center and NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital, Soren Glassing has guided and supported countless patients as they go through their cancer diagnosis and treatment. Soren himself lost his husband to Leukemia in 2020 and knows that when caring for a loved one with cancer or speaking about their diagnoses all manner of emotions come forward. For those looking to support their loved ones during the holidays, he shares his advice on navigating the difficult feelings and moments that can arise.
What are some actions I can take to be supportive?
Be an active listener, which means be present with them, listen with an open heart and mind. Your presence is far more powerful than any words. Often, we are uncomfortable in this kind of space, not only talking about cancer, but any difficult topics that illicit fear and worry. Be a loving and supportive friend by just being present with them, listening, walking side by side, holding their hand, crying, and laughing! These simple actions demonstrate to a person living with cancer that you are there for them, that they are being heard, and that you have a non-judgmental presence they can trust.
How do you know when it is the right time to speak to a family member or close friend about their diagnosis?
Follow your intuition! Follow your heart and trust that when the moment is right you will know. They may even bring it up with you. You can also consider testing the waters by opening a conversation up with something like, "I'm wondering if we can talk for a few minutes about something that I'm a little scared to talk to you about..." If they agree, you may also add, "when we are talking about this, if it gets too much, it's ok, we can revisit it another time". This will allow your loved one to decide if and when they want to talk.
Are there questions or topics I should avoid?
I don't think so. It’s ok to put everything on the table, to the extent that your loved one is willing to talk about these scary things. Even if the conversation is about treatment, or wearing diapers, or deciding on a hospice, or choosing a song for their funeral, no topic should be avoided. That is, if they are willing to go there.
Don't be afraid! Often, the scariest question or topic that you have may already be in the person's mind, so you are offering them an opportunity to share and express what up until now they weren't able to talk about. Again, just be with them. Listen to them, walk with them, go to treatments with them, give a foot massage, check in with them regularly, support their treatment decisions, be receptive. It is entirely okay to say to them and to yourself "I'm unsure" or "I don't know.” It is ok to be honest and say, "I'm in uncharted waters, and I don't know what to say, or do, but together we will get through this”. The more you can educate yourself on the type of cancer, symptoms, treatments, etc... the better.
What should I do if I feel uncomfortable during our conversation?
Try not to be a cheerleader. Don't say, "everything is going to be ok" because it might not be. Often, we are not comfortable with silences in conversation, but try to not make flowery statements of hope just to get away from an awkward or painful silence. Our tendency is to want to say something that will help take away the fear, pain, and suffering. This is normal; we want to soothe and comfort, however comments such as, "well, it could be worse" or "well, the cancer that you have is the good cancer" don't help at all. Embrace the uncomfortableness.
What should I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed?
This is a wonderful question and one that pertains to anything that can cause us to lose our bearings. Come back to the present moment. I’d recommend any practice that calls you to pause, to breathe, to come back to your own inner grounding. Prayer, journaling, going for a walk, playing with your cat, hearing music- replenish your soul by experiencing the simple pleasures of life. Laugh, look at art, make art, read a poem, get a massage—there are a thousand things out there to help. But what is also important to remember is that from time to time we are going to feel overwhelmed. It is part of the human condition. When we feel overwhelmed, our inner "soul engine" tells us to pull over to the side of the road, open the hood, and let the car relax a bit.
Is there anything else we should be mindful of?
Having cancer can be dehumanizing. Always remember to treat the human being living with cancer as a HUMAN BEING, first and foremost! We are far more than a diagnosis, we are far more than any label that can possibly define us.